stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize