once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Text me some of your sweat
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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