Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
