I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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