my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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