dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
