yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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