My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
