Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
