I wish I could teleport
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
