I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize