I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
