I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Randomize
