Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
