We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
