I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I deserve this hangover.
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