Don't make out with my wife yet
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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