If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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