Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Randomize
