Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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