somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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