I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
