I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
