I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize