Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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