i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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