his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
