she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
you will always have a special place in my vag
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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