So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Randomize
