Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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