she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
