rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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