She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
