he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
God, I missed his penis.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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