So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
