I think my fart just growled at me.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
