You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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