I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Less talking, more tequila
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Randomize
