I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
