I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
