billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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