and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
