ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Sober January is a disaster.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
