Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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