I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
