Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
there is glitter all over my balls
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
