I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
