My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
