8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
