I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
