Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
