also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
