ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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