90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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