Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
