I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
