omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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