the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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