You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
