She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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