He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
