my soul wont recognize me after tonight
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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