if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
