Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
