can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
