my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
